


A Beautiful, Wretched Thing

by deadvinesandfanfics



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Blood, F/M, Fluff, Gore, Toxic friendship, but not really??, hanahaki, i just got really sucked into the hanahaki plot i guess, idk man, idk man ill add more tags later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:35:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29031786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadvinesandfanfics/pseuds/deadvinesandfanfics
Summary: She was so beautiful.
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Male Character
Kudos: 2





	1. Emotions are a pain, anyway

**Author's Note:**

> hello!! honestly i was just going through old writing and found this old thing lol. i cleaned it up a bit, and figured i'd post it on here maybe
> 
> enjoy lol

You know those words, those beautiful words that twist your tongue, that sound so elegant and extravagant, that make you feel smarter than you are whenever you use them?

Jack knew those words.

There was a word he was thinking about a lot lately, one that he didn’t want to hear but it flickered across his mind every other day, like a dim flame in a dark room.

_Hanahaki._

It was such a pretty word, wasn’t it? How it felt light and airy on his tongue, leaving those who had no clue what it meant completely unsuspecting. He felt his throat constrict again as something took root in his lungs, fear clenching his heart like a small bird that was being squeezed.

He had felt like this a lot lately.

Jack dragged his eyes up from his phone, eyes raking across the courtyard and his heart stuttered when he saw her.

_Hannah._

She was so beautiful. Hannah was a complicated and intricate beast, like a dark hole filled with silent spiderwebs. It felt like you could just stare forever into that void, and whenever you ventured far enough in you would just get _entangled_ -

As her head turned she caught his gaze for a moment and he tried to glance away like he wasn’t just staring at her. Although he was pointedly looking at his phone again, he swore he could see a small smile on her lips.

_God, he was such an idiot._

Jack didn’t know how it got to this point, to be honest. One second he was sleeping, the next he was tumbling out of bed and blindly wobbling to the bathroom. And now he was here, retching into the toilet bowl and clawing desperately at whatever was caught in his throat.

And there it was.

It came out in a chunk, all balled up and soggy, and in it’s disgusting and wretched state he still knew what it was. It was a small bundle of flower petals.

Jack’s stomach twisted itself into knots and he felt like he had swallowed a stone. He knew what this was.

He knew, but he didn’t want to know.

Turning away from the small cluster of dandelion petals, he stood up on shaky legs, flushed the toilet and walked back to his bed. He didn’t want to deal with this right now. He stumbled back to bed and grappled at his phone. The light hurt his eyes as he squinted to see the time. _Two-thirty._

He should go back to sleep.

Jack didn’t want to deal with this right now.

He slid back under the covers, letting out a shaky breath and relaxed under the heavy covers. He just needed some sleep. Despite the fact that he still had a few hours before he needed to be awake, he didn’t feel like he would get any more sleep that night.

A few days later and not much had changed. He wasn't sick again, but he felt like he was teetering on the edge of panic attacks and throwing up. The problem is that he couldn't tell which was which. He tried ignoring it. He really did, but the fact that he could slowly taking root in his chest, leaves tickling his throat as they slowly climbed higher and higher.

So like any rational human, he went to Google.

He didn't need to, though. Everyone in his world knew what Hanahaki was, what it's cure and consequences were.

He was terrified, to be frank. There was a small paragraph detailing the grim prospects of those with hanahaki, and a few symptoms of the disease were listed at the bottom. It felt too calm. The page was just sitting there, not moving in its neat and fancy font, seemingly uncaring about what was going through his head. He already knew what the symptoms were. He already knew what this was. Why was he still this shocked?

He slid the laptop lid down after the writing on the page starter to blur together.

He needed more sleep.

Suddenly, his phone chimes from across the room and under his blankets, temporarily ripping his attention from a snowballing existential crisis. He leaned over and his heart stuttered when he saw who texted him.

_Hannah: Wyd rn?? I totally spaced and forgot we had maths homework haha_

Oh. The maths homework.

Jack was pretty sure he finished it, and as he ratted through the books on his desk, he held up the page in a small victory.

_Jack: Lol here's the hw :attachment included:_

_Hannah: Thank u sm!! Ur a lifesaver :)_

He put his phone down and smiled softly.

Wrong time to text, but it probably helped steer him away from a rough night. But it didn't get rid of the heavy rock in his stomach and flowers in his lungs.


	2. The fine art of bullshitting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> panicking bc ur crush sat next to you?? nope not me cant relate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again

Jack was Hannah’s friend. They weren’t super close, and hadn’t been for a long time, but he would like to think of her as a friend. But they didn’t talk much anymore after the duo slowly split apart after entering high school.

The two had originally been friends when they were younger, digging holes in their backyards and climbing old trees around the neighborhood. 

He wanted to do that again. He wanted to fuck around outside in the dirt, and play games on the street, and get yelled at again for playing on the roads.  
He tilted his head so he could stare out the window, aching to just rip it off of its hinges and just climb out, away from this stupid class and these stupid people and these stupid teachers.

But he couldn't. He knew that. So sitting here and staring outside would have to be the next best thing.

"So, Jamie, you want to repeat what I just said?" The teacher's question wasn't directed towards him, but it sure as hell snapped him back into reality. 

Right. English class. That's where he was.  
While the kid next to him, Jamie, the teacher had called him, struggled to come up with a suitable answer it gave Jack time to reorganize his thoughts.

Any homework? No.  
What were they studying again? Poetry or something?

"Hannah, could you please read out the poem on the next page?" the teacher called from across the room.  
She gave a small and brisk smile that was only supposed to be polite. Hannah was a complicated beast whose tells came in the smallest of shifts in expressions or the wording of a sentence, or a slight gesture of a hand. She was confusing and frustrating, but she was radiant.   
And she began to read. Unlike the other kids, she didn't stumble over words or speak too quietly. He admired her for that. Being able to be so confident and smart, not tripping over her words every two seconds. Jack’s stomach fluttered while he listened to her read-the poem wasn’t that good-not by a long shot, but listening to her speak was a small break in an otherwise bleak day.

Near the end of the class, they had to read a few pages about the poet’s life and answer a few questions. More homework. _Huh. She'll probably text me later about that._

And there it was. The telltale chime rang through his quiet room.   
He didn't even need to check the contacts to know who it was from.

**_Hannah:_ **   
_Hiiiii :)_

He grinned, just a small smile that tugged at the corner of his lips. 

_**Jack:** _   
_Hi lol_   
_U want the hw answers?_

While Jack waited for her to respond, he dug the answers out of his bag.

**_Hannah:_ **   
_Am I really that predictable?? No fair! >:(_   
_But yes I would love them lmao_   
_I rlly don't want to do more reading haha_

He put his phone down, half expecting that to be the end of the actual conversation.

**_Hannah:_ **   
_Sorry_

Jack frowned, his brow scrunching up a bit/ What did she have to be sorry for?

**_Jack:_ **   
_What for? You havent done anything wrong_

**_Hannah:_ **   
_idk_   
_we should talk more tho_

Now what was he supposed to say to that? His chest tightened and he wanted to do nothing more than agree wholeheartedly. But where was this coming from?

**_Jack:_ **   
_yeah, we should lol._

_seen_.

She was sitting next to him on the bus. _Why was she sitting next to him on the bus?_

He knew that he was one to overcomplicate things, but what the fuck. If this wasn't mixed signals, he didn't know what was. 

He didn't move. He could barely breathe.

She hadn't said anything as she dropped her bag down and sat on the seat next to him. It felt too cramped, like he was stuck in between a rock and a hard place. A girl and a window.  
She pulled out her phone and the tension in his chest loosened.

He shouldn't be overthinking this. _You can sit next to a girl on a bus without panicking, you absolute loser._

But then Hannah shifted next to him, and her shoulder brushed his and his entire, touch-starved brain shut down.

He was pretty sure he was dying.

His lungs felt like they were filled with screwed up paper balls, his stomach was filled with stones and his throat was filled with leaves and flower buds.  
The ground felt like it was swaying under his feet, and his vision was going blurry. He didn’t want to be here anymore.

Jack was just sitting there, dry retching into the toilet bowl, feeling like he was going to rupture an internal organ. For a moment, his body relaxed, and he let out a muffled sob. It was pathetic, really. He felt pathetic.

Everyone was told when they were younger, _‘Don’t fall for her just because she’s pretty! It’ll cost you!’_ And they were right. It would cost you, body and soul, or thousands of dollars in a stupid surgery.

Jack was pretty sure he had Hanahaki.

He had known for a while, but the few weeks that had passed him by hadn't made the fact any easier to accept.

He had already decided that he wasn’t going to get the surgery, though. It's not because of the money, but that would be a bitch to pay for. He was just kind of scared, to be honest. He couldn't imagine waking up in a world where he couldn't remember her or feel like that ever again. That was a terrifying thought and he wasn’t ready to face something like that. 

He retched again, momentarily choking as he pulled a stem from the back of his throat. Jack sat there quietly, observing the sad flower bud. It hadn't bloomed yet, and now it never would. He dropped the blood tipped flower in the toilet and watched as it was swept away and sucked under the water.

_If I have to die with these stupid feelings and her beautiful memory, so be it. I'll take my last breath thinking about them, and I can promise you that I won't regret it at all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poggers ty for reading!!

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! very pog


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